Thursday, March 08, 2007

AAArgH "Sonic and the secret ring" Aaargh, WTF??!!

You see, I do not bitch often. But now I have to. There comes the time for a 37 y.o. man to complain about inferior quality of his Wii software.
SEGA, or whoever made this WII Sonic piece of shift, wtf?
I was waiting for a decent game to play ever since Wii came out and I finished uber awesome Zelda TP. Yes, sure, there was some crap arround at the time- I tried Red Steel and a few others, and I played Rayman RR all the way through. I thought rabbits were hillarious and it took whole few hours to complete. And I did rip my shirt, curse on top of my lungs, threw wiimote accros the room a few times, publicly declared that everyone at UBISOFT are nothing but a bunch of dim-witted drool-suckers (who probably, instead of polishing their products, spend most of their working hours analy penetrating each other and laughing at the perils of future consumers of their half assedly finished products), particularly after playing a mini game where you are supposed to turn on 4 juke-box radios on the beach and punch themedly dressed rabbits out in time, only to find out that controlls stop working half way through the challenge, no matter what you do. Then, after desperatly trying for an hour to do it, loosing my marbles in the process and digging through the net for another hour, I found out that you had to switch the game to 60 HZ mode in orther to complete the mission. Otherwise it just doesn't work.
Now how lame ass was that.
Then 2 months of nothing. And thousands of wii points spent on stupid "old school" software which, after downloading it, I never touched again.
And Now this!
Sonic and the secret rings or whatever...
Pox on people who made it,
measles on people who sold it to me.
And a nervous breakdown on me.
I have not smoked for almost 3 weeks now, so I am a bit edgy lately which may have played part in my disappointment, but still, mostly it's because this game sucks.
I only played for 11.5 minutes, and the fucking thing managed to wake up such a rage within me that I wanted to pull it out of the damn console, grind it into a fine dust and in the morning take that dust to the fucking EB and demand full refund.
Well, how much it sucks you may ask?
Where to start?
Ahem:
Intro is a cheap ass boring piece of crap.
I do not need a reason to be the hedgehog running around collecting rings.
The plot does not make sense whatever excuse they try to give me- I am fucking hedgehog, I wear sneakers, run really fast and I collect gold rings which for no particular reason float in the air abouve some ground in all these strange environments.
I choose to play it because it reminds me of old days, when games did not have to make sense. Days when you were a plumber, and for some reason you had to save a princess kidnapped by an evil turtle. it did not matter. You wanted to press some buttons and have a blob of pixels respond to your commands on the screen. The fact that it moved in a direction you wanted it to, brougt great joy to my hearth.
Nowdays everything is all perty and different, but not necessarily better than before.
Anyhow, back to the game intro.
If you choose to do intro story, spend at least a couple of grand on it, instead of trying to make it artsy fartsy comic-book that isn't, and to save fifty bucks.
And for fluck's sake give me the option to skip it.
Anyhow, to the game:
Once you get to the point where you start playing the game it goes: wtf?
You are told to tilt and shake wiimote and before you know it, you have collected some rings and it tells you you finished first level...
WHAT?
WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO?!!!
SLOW IT DOWN!
WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?
How come that I did it, if I do not know I did it?
He run! I did not tell him to run! Stop you little blue shit! let me take my time.
Aaargh.
Sega keep on saying how Sonic is about the speed. It is sad when even the fucking creators get their creation wrong.
Sonic was about FUN not speed you r-tards!
back to the game:
Second level- more of the same. I figured this was some sort of tutorial. This time, i am supposed to jump somehow, but I don't. it seems that I have run into some see-through box, and I can't do anything about it. So I re-start the level, and sure enough, this time, just before I run into the box, there's some annoying genie girl giving me a hint: to jump, you must press and hold some button and then releise it at the right moment. It's all cool, but why not just press it at the appropriate moment? Annoying fact is that you have to time it right, which is really hard because sonic is moving down the rail all the time, so you have very little time to do it.
And from there on it gets worse.
Each time you fail to execute the move and have to repeat the chalenge, game freezes just in front of the hardest obstacle and the same annoying voice repeats the same hint for fiftieth time, then the game unfreazes, and before you know it, you either missed the obstacle or failed to perform suggested move in the split second you were given to do it.
AArrgh! WTF?!
This sonic thing has the most retarded controll scheme ever.
My kids left the room, because their father was once again performing his dance of rage in front of the TV. Thanks to Wii and some inferior, poorly designed software.
Once I dried out the ragefoam off the corners of my mouth, I had to sit down and write this.
And my verdict so far is best described by two words:
Cock- munchers and Knob- Gobblers.
Both of which I do not use often, but this seems to be the perfect opportunity to apply those names to the people who made this sad piece of shift.
Thank you for waking up the beast within.
And a word of advice to the wii developpers:
Fuck you for trying to be too creative with that wiimote. Just because it has giros and stuff doesn't mean you have to use them for everything.
And fuck you for turning Sonic into an inferior software. You suck.
And all of you making games, make sure that the game is reasonably playable before you put it in the box and try to get my money for it.



And as is the custom, here's some art:



Sonic on Megadrive was the game that got me hooked to this whole videogame thing. And now, a major player has turned into a joke. I pity you little hedgehog.


PS. I gave it a second chance and played a bit more.
Got into some proper environment to run around.
Didn't get any better.
Sorry SEGA, your game sucks, and I am getting my money back.

4 comments:

LFW said...

Quitting smoking's reaaally going well I see, Buddy.

I agree though, the sonic games just don't seem to be very good at all, I think it's because they're trying to apply their side scoller 2d principles to a 3D world, and that's where it all falls down, sonic worked well for 2D sidescrolling, when all you had to worry about was left and right.

Anyway, I love that little hiaku you put in the middle of your rant, it is excellent, I must use it one day.

cheers

your pal

-LFW

Ana Banana said...

Well, what a rant!...funny.

I guess you weren't feeling well that day?!

Although I don't play video games and the like, I can sense your pain and torment -- and your sketch is quite telling as well.

Expressive work and words!

Congratulations on quitting smoking.

Ricardo Peregrina said...

Well, you are a bit wrong about Ubisoft people. Anal penetration is usually played in french studios, but in Barcelona we just play dayly fellatios before the siesta.

FerdinandKreozot said...

Ahaha :)
Sorry Rcardo, I did not realise at the time of my writting that my statements might hurt people I like and whose work I respect :)
And I did mention that I liked bunnies :)
You and I are from the same industry, but down here, we are not as sofisticated. it's usually "come in to work, make yerself a cup of coffee, bend over the table and receive some schlong" affair. In good old days, schlongs used to be smaller (usually penis sized), and the lubricant was applied beforehand so the experience was almost a pleasant one...
Nowdays schlongs got bigger, and lubricant went out of the fashion.
Also, mu butt lost a lot of flexibility, so the experience hurts just that little bit more every time.
Aanyhow, My apologies if i offended you and best of luck in your career,

Regards,

Milenko